


Eggshell Landscapes and the Burden of Love

by NoContractTermination



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Anal Fingering, Getting Back Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, Insecurity, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, No Plot/Plotless, Pet Names, Porn With Plot, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-10 20:11:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10446438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoContractTermination/pseuds/NoContractTermination
Summary: On multiple counts of miscommunication, Taeil gets Johnny to agree to take a break from the relationship. The road trip Johnny proposes months later proves that they're both still hopelessly in love.





	

"That's a horrible idea," Taeil said. After all, Johnny hated when people weren't upfront with him. Said something about them being phonies. 

Johnny mocked full offense, putting his utensils down and pressing his hand into his chest, and Taeil couldn't help but snort from across the table. His lips twisted into a fond smile at how Johnny’s eyebrows caved so dramatically when he frowned.

"I don’t like planning things," Taeil added. In truth, he was just afraid.

Johnny leaned back and pointed his fork at Taeil thoughtfully. "But that’s why a road trip is perfect! We don’t have to plan anything, just go and check into a hotel when we’re tired."

Taeil grunted reluctantly, and instead of getting up and kissing Taeil on the crown of his head and saying "I love you" like how he used to, Johnny just dug his heels in like a petulant kid and tapped his foot impatiently against the carpet.

They started becoming like this when they settled on the two-bedroom apartment. Taeil staunchly believed this, even if Johnny insisted it was a good idea from the start in case his parents ever wanted to visit, which said parents hadn't even mentioned in the year or so Johnny and Taeil had been living here. And then it became Johnny coming home late from work because he went out with his mates afterward, and Taeil, who considered himself much less outgoing, letting Johnny be. There was no excuse to suffocate the relationship just because Taeil was a little out of his element here in America, not after all Johnny had done for him in the last four years they’d been together. The last thing Taeil wanted was to impede on Johnny’s career opportunities; they were both teachers, though, so there wasn’t much of a corporate ladder to climb. Nevertheless, Johnny had made a bunch of friends in the community, and Taeil, whose English was still awkward and slow to react, felt obligated to respect this. 

It was almost pitiful Johnny still thought Taeil didn’t notice just because Johnny went to bed later and woke up earlier; thus, Taeil must never really see him sleep anyway. Johnny was childishly naive sometimes, thinking that everyone slept soundly all the way through the night just because he could lull himself into a deep sleep and wake up refreshed in the morning. It was that naivete, though, that kept Taeil living the lie after not having the heart to tell Johnny that he woke up at around 3am every day like clockwork and couldn’t get back to sleep until 6 because Johnny wasn’t there by his side. To Johnny’s knowledge, Taeil still thought they slept in the same bed.

The first time it happened, Taeil got up and padded into the "guest room", where Johnny was sprawled out face down on top of the comforter still dressed in his work clothes. Taeil should’ve crawled into bed next to him then, but Johnny took up the entirety of the double bed, and he looked like he needed rest. 

The longer you procrastinate something, the less you want to do it. Of this Taeil was sure. Which was why waking up in bed alone a few days a week became a habit after almost a year of doing so.

Of course, it wasn’t all bad. The sheets could go weeks between launders instead of Taeil having to wash them every other day when they had sex or when Johnny woke up randomly sweating sometimes in the summer. They had a washer/dryer system in the new apartment unit, though, so Taeil honestly wouldn’t have minded doing the laundry more often if it meant not having to miss Johnny as much despite _still living together_.

"Let’s take a break," Taeil said out of the blue one day. The empty look on Johnny’s face in response to that almost broke Taeil’s heart, but he stood his ground.

"Is that what you want?" Johnny said quietly, and Taeil placed his hand on Johnny’s arm.

"I mean, we’re both busy with work, and we don’t see each other that much anymore," Taeil said softly. He could only smile when he looked away, trying to appear strong.

"Are you— leaving?" Johnny said, and Taeil flinched.

"No, no, of course not," Taeil replied. Johnny seemed to breathe a sigh of relief then. "I’ll still be here, we just— we can be like roommates, you know?"

Back then, Taeil wanted Johnny to fight for him. Yuta used to call them not a couple but a miracle; after having dated for three or four years and known each other for way longer, they never got into any serious arguments. The worst that happened was when back in college they couldn’t decide what kind of cake to get Jaehyun for his birthday party, and they ended up compromising with Johnny’s suggestion of ice cream cake, as long as they could buy Jaehyun some nice liquor instead of those gross fruity cocktail mixes Johnny loved. 

In truth, Taeil was just afraid to break the streak. There was something superficial about not arguing that made it seem like they could just patch everything up after dancing awkwardly around each other for so long. But somewhere deep down, he’d wanted Johnny to fight for him then. But maybe Johnny was thinking the same thing, because he wordlessly agreed and asked if they could be more than roommates, though, "Like maybe friends?"

"Of course," Taeil said with a soft smile, holding Johnny’s hand. "You’ll always be my best friend."

Johnny grinned and swallowed and nodded, and that was that. 

Of all the weird traditions they could’ve established after the fact, though, they somehow settled on still eating dinner together every day, even if they cooked their own meals, which only happened when there were too many leftovers in the fridge from Johnny’s nights out where he’d order things Taeil didn’t really like. Most of the time, though, they threw some meat stew in the slow cooker on Sunday evening and picked at it over the course of the week like they used to when they were dating. Having separate cars was a waste, so they still carpooled together to and from work, which was an elementary school 15 minutes away where Johnny taught 4th grade language arts and Taeil helped the really young kids who couldn’t speak English yet. They waved to each other in the halls and made small talk in the teacher’s lounge where they heated up their meals together in the microwave. 

And after a while, it did get a little more comfortable. Comfortable enough for Johnny to suggest a spontaneous road trip right after the school year ended because apparently they needed a break from this dinky old suburb. Taeyong was getting married in June, anyway, so they could drive over to Los Angeles and catch a flight back to Korea to meet up with their old friends, whom Taeil definitely hadn’t told yet about the whole relationship status thing. As Facebook put it, it was "complicated". He didn’t want their pity, even if they meant well.

Taeil squirmed uncomfortably while Johnny grinned at him like a hopeful puppy. "Will we have enough time?" Taeil said lamely, and Johnny scoffed.

"The wedding isn’t until June 26th, and school lets out on the 9th," Johnny replied. He seemed to have planned the whole thing out in his head already before even bringing up the topic with Taeil, counting on him to say yes. Taeil was easy but not _that_ easy, especially now that they weren’t officially "dating" anymore. All bets were off; they could fight, if he really wanted to.

Unfortunately, that would have to wait for another day. He didn’t have the energy today, especially not after one of the preschoolers threw up in the boy’s bathroom and had to stay in the nurse’s office for the whole afternoon because he was the child of a single mother who couldn’t leave work.

"I’ll think about it," Taeil said, and Johnny’s smile widened. Taeil’s heart reluctantly fluttered; he forgot how much he missed that.

When Johnny whispered, "Thank you," and rose to grab his and Taeil’s plates from the table, Taeil knew he’d eventually end up agreeing. 

—

They settled on driving the old Honda out there, because Johnny insisted that if it wasn’t your own car, it wasn’t a real road trip, and for some reason Taeil found himself agreeing to that, too. That was all the planning they did; the tuxedo rental shops in Seoul were more likely to stock Taeil’s size, so he could just drop by when they got there. Doyoung said he found a great one that he’d been to a few times for all the weddings he’d been attending on the past few years, from his own friends’ to his brother’s friends’ to family members'. Taeil feigned envy, but it was really just nice to hear Doyoung’s voice after a few months.

"So how are you and Johnny doing?" Doyoung asked, and Taeil gulped audibly. Doyoung laughed. "Oh, it’s _that_ good, huh? I should be the jealous one."

"What’s going on with your love life, then?" Taeil said, diverting the conversation.

Doyoung sighed. "You don’t want to know."

"I know you want to tell me," Taeil pressed on playfully, and Doyoung chuckled.

"You’re right, I do," he said. He went on to talk about how the roommate arrangement with Yuta had been going well, which was weird since Taeil asked specifically about Doyoung’s _love_ life, but whatever. There was apparently a period where Yuta went out on dates every night but never brought anyone over, while Doyoung went on far less dates but would usually give them a chance and fuck around a few times before ultimately breaking up. "The other day, Yuta even said he went on a date with a dude," Doyoung said. "Imagine that, mister Mountain Man, _gay_."

A lot of times, Taeil envied Doyoung for being able to run his mouth without worrying about whether or not what he said was appropriate or right. He and Yuta bickered all the time, but if it was serious, they’d end up talking it out in the end. Maybe that was what drew Taeil to Doyoung; out of their group of friends, Taeil was closest to him (and Johnny). It was half admiration, and half the completely conventional concept that their personalities complemented each other which made interacting feel natural and easy. "Mm," Taeil said.

There was a short silence, then Doyoung said, "…Are you okay?"

"Huh? Yeah, of course," Taeil replied, and Doyoung made a tsking noise.

"C’mon, you would’ve teased me about that any other day. What’s up?"

Doyoung had a crush on Yuta in college for a good two years or so, but Yuta was straight as a board. Or so they were led to believe. Taeyong always suspected otherwise; he was perceptive like that, but they all mutually agreed to let Doyoung and Yuta figure it out themselves. Taeil remembered not being able to resist when it was just him and Doyoung, though, poking fun at Doyoung’s hopeless attraction to Yuta. Doyoung always remarked that Taeil seemed to blossom when they were in private, and despite being the butt of relentless teasing, Doyoung’s face lit up whenever Taeil agreed to hang out or study together. "Nothing, really," Taeil said. 

Taeil could almost picture Doyoung pacing around his kitchen, debating whether or not to pry further. After another sigh, Doyoung said, "Okay, but at least tell me how you feel?"

They agreed on this to help Taeil open up more. Doyoung could ask Taeil how he felt any time of day, and Taeil had to answer with at least one word, but he didn’t have to explain it, nor was Doyoung allowed to ask further questions about it. Taeil bit his lip. "Nervous," he mumbled quietly. But it wasn’t really nerves, not like the kind when you were trying to perform or being chased. "No," Taeil added in a moment later. "It’s more like— sad."

Doyoung hummed a little. "Wish I could be there for you," Doyoung said.

Taeil shrugged. "It’s not all sad. I’m a little excited, too."

"I hope that’s not just to reassure me," said Doyoung, and Taeil laughed.

"I’ll explain in an email or something," Taeil said, which seemed to appease Doyoung. Doyoung tended to get overexcited about planning, which could be overwhelming over the phone, especially since this trip was designed to be relaxing and completely spontaneous. 

Emails gave both Taeil and Doyoung time to think; this prevented Taeil from feeling like an awkward, overwhelmed mess, and it helped Doyoung refrain from blurting out the first thing he thought of. So instead of showering Taeil with unattainable plans and ways they _should’ve_ done it, Doyoung’s reply ended up instead being a list of suggestions like _don’t forget to pack emergency food, blankets, and medicine_ and _stop and ask for directions if your GPS fucks up_ and _stand your ground if you and Johnny get in a fight about the navigation— that guy can’t tell east from a sneaker_. Taeil laughed because they both knew that even though Johnny had nothing on Doyoung’s impressive cartography skills, he was still miles ahead of Taeil. Doyoung probably just wanted them to get helplessly lost together and end up having to act out some cheesy romantic sitcom when in reality they’d just end up getting in a fight and ruining the whole trip. 

That was what Taeil was actually nervous about. Rediscovering his relationship with Johnny wasn’t entirely miserable, because at least Taeil didn’t have to feel guilty about not attending Johnny’s schedule of outings and parties as an obligatory +1. But he did kind of miss the feeling of waiting up for those nights when Johnny came home early and flopped on top of Taeil, telling him a little tipsy how boring it was and that he came home early because he missed him. Taeil would then help him wash up and by then Johnny would feel a little more sober, and sometimes they would have sex and Johnny would tell him how good he felt and how pretty he was for him.

Johnny walked into Taeil’s room as soon as Taeil hung up, and Taeil was sitting cross-legged behind his suitcase, which was more or less packed but still looked like it had just been hit by a tornado. Johnny smiled when Taeil looked down at it a little meekly. "You all packed?"

"Eh," said Taeil noncommittally, and Johnny laughed and sat down on the floor across from him, the suitcase which was supposed to carry Taeil’s whole life for a few weeks nestled between them. 

Johnny pressed his hand down on Taeil’s pile of sweaters, which he packed for every vacation since he tended to get cold on airplanes and in hotel rooms. "I love this color on you," Johnny said, staring at the oversized baby blue pullover on top. Taeil flushed and looked down.

"Thanks," Taeil mumbled. 

Sensing that he might’ve overstepped a boundary, Johnny withdrew his hand and set it awkwardly in his lap. "We haven’t talked all week," he stated, as if he were talking to a wall and Taeil just happened to be listening in. "How was field day?"

"You saw how it went, you were there," Taeil pointed out with his tongue literally in his cheek, and Johnny laughed and swatted at Taeil’s shoulder lightly. 

"Okay, besides getting that whole bucket of water dumped on you—"

"I have reason to suspect that was entirely your doing," Taeil said, and Johnny frowned aghast.

"Who, me?" he said. "I’m completely innocent."

"Says the least innocent person on earth," replied Taeil, but he was smiling too. This kind of interaction was a little reminiscent of beginning of university, pulling out all stops and trying to impress each other while not knowing how far they had to go. It was a game then, though, and they had nothing to lose. They could never have predicted how much they would end up meaning to each other. Now, it kind of felt like everything was on the line, even if things couldn’t get imaginably much worse than this. There was worse, though, Taeil reminded himself while looking up at Johnny who was playing with the hem of Taeil’s sweaters again. There was always worse.

"Are you ready?" Johnny said, catching Taeil looking at him. At this point, though, Taeil didn’t bother to look away.

"I’ll never be ready," Taeil said with a groan. 

"Nope, you already agreed," Johnny sang, and Taeil stuck his tongue out at him. "We’re doing this."

"I know," said Taeil, stretching. 

Johnny watched the line of his body, and if there was anything good about this, it was reminding Taeil of how satisfying it felt to be watched and loved and hopelessly yet out of someone’s reach. It was nice being wanted, but once they had you, it was the constant fear of revealing yourself as not quite all they hoped you were. "Do you regret it?" Johnny asked quietly. 

Taeil shook his head, smiling, and Johnny looked like the happiest man in the world. It shouldn’t, but it still made Taeil feel warm and important when he had that kind of influence over the course of Johnny’s mood. They got the Honda detailed and had a full tank of gas, threw an old emergency blanket and a cooler of bottled water in the backseat, and budgeted for long-term airport parking at LAX, which actually wasn’t unreasonable considering how expensive it would’ve been to fly out there in the first place.

Johnny never implored Taeil to go out on group dates with him. Sometimes Taeil wished he would ask, but then it would probably just make Taeil feel even more guilty about rejecting his offers. That was what Taeil had issues with, over and over again, though it was never Johnny— implicitly or explicitly— who made him feel that way. The guilt came from wanting to be perfect for Johnny and hating that he wasn’t. He hated that there invariably was someone out there who was just like him but better: more outgoing, more warm, more confident, and Johnny was just stuck with him because their paths happened to cross one day in college. This was what kept Taeil up at night when Johnny was snoring away in the other room. He didn’t doubt Johnny’s love for him; he just didn’t think he deserved it.

Love was a funny thing that was supposed to make you feel better about yourself but most of the time just proved that you were horribly incompetent. Taeil never considered himself to be in a bad place mentally; maybe love just wasn’t for him. Saying that out loud would break Johnny’s heart, though, so he resolved to save it for when Johnny was ready to move on— when Johnny wouldn’t feel so bad about losing him. There would come a time and place for that, right? If Taeil waited long enough, eventually Johnny had to grow tired of waiting.

—

Their first stop was some diner in some state Taeil couldn’t pronounce that had a lot of plains and grew probably enough corn along just one stretch of freeway to feed the entirety of Chicago for the next ten years. Johnny was picky, and Taeil’s stomach was growling by the time they finally stopped for breakfast at a diner a few miles off the road. If this was going to be their only road trip, Johnny apparently was determined to make it the Best Road Trip Ever. 

"This is so…" Taeil said as he placed the menu down gingerly on the linoleum table. Johnny smirked up at him expectantly, and Taeil scrunched his nose. " _American_."

Johnny snorted a laugh that was embarrassingly loud but so endearing. "Just trying to show you what America has to offer."

"Johnny, I love it here," Taeil said, staring at Johnny across the table. "You don’t have to prove your home country to me." 

"But I want to," Johnny said, and Taeil rolled his eyes.

"Fair enough."

They came here so they could get married. They talked a lot about it back in college, but once the actual move happened the concept of wedding kept getting postponed in the rush to find housing and renew drivers licenses and apply for green cards. Miraculously, they both ended up finding compatible jobs with great benefits, and by then marriage wasn’t really the top priority anymore. It didn’t really matter, at least Taeil told himself this, and in America there was always the added bonus of not getting glared at when they brushed hands or kissed in public. This still didn’t come naturally to Taeil, and Johnny seemed to want to respect his reservations, and Taeil knew he wanted more but didn’t know how to ask for it. This was starting to become a reoccurring pattern in their relationship, however they wanted to define it.

"This coffee is good," Taeil said.

"This coffee is horrible," Johnny replied, and Taeil squinted. Johnny laughed and put his hand over Taeil’s. "We should get a French press," he said.

"It’s frivolous," Taeil said. "We don’t have counter space."

"I’ll make it for both of us every morning," Johnny offered. "We can get rid of the coffee machine."

"You’ll grind the beans, too?" Taeil said, and Johnny nodded eagerly. "Fine, but if you forget for even one day I’m getting a Keurig."

"I will literally destroy you," Johnny said, and Taeil laughed.

"You wouldn’t," he said.

"Eh, you’re probably right," Johnny replied, and there was when he would’ve kissed Taeil on the nose, but instead he pulled the menu up awkwardly again and waited for the waiter to return to their table. When he left, Johnny laced their hands across the table. "Do you remember why we came here?"

Taeil laughed softly. "To get married," he said, rubbing his thumb across the top of Johnny’s hand. It was surprisingly soft for how sturdy the rest of him felt, like a tree with a thick trunk and large, delicate leaves. 

Johnny nodded. "And I wanted you to feel comfortable," said Johnny. "Do you feel okay here?"

"Of course," Taeil said, looking off to the side. He couldn’t help it, and Johnny sighed.

"I know that laugh; that’s your nervous laugh," he said; Taeil didn’t even notice he’d laughed. "Tell me the truth, baby."

Taeil made a gurgling noise like a little kid and shifted uncomfortably, but he didn’t draw his hands away. Johnny had a pretty tight hold on him, like the kind when you didn’t want to relinquish the jar of cookies but knew your mom would let you have them later. Taeil could always have pulled away, but he didn’t.

"I know you don’t like the pet names—" Johnny started, but Taeil shook his head quickly.

"No, I like it," he mumbled.

Johnny seemed genuinely surprised. "Really? But you never—"

"I never said I _didn’t_ like it," Taeil said. 

"But you always," Johnny said, fumbling and gesturing toward Taeil vaguely. "You always… did that thing."

Taeil gurgled again and grinned. "That?"

" _Yeah_ , I thought you… I thought you were mad," Johnny said, trailing off. 

"That’s my 'I’m embarrassed but I don’t complete hate it; in fact, I kind of like when you embarrass me sometimes?' noise," Taeil said, and Johnny grunted.

"You never fail to surprise me," Johnny said and flattened Taeil’s hands between his. "But that’s what I love about you."

Taeil smiled, feeling his shoulders go down for the first time since that morning. He didn’t even react when the waiter slipped their dishes under their clasped hands. It would probably be too incredibly cheesy to hold onto Johnny while he ate, but Taeil felt that urge coming on, maybe because this closeness seemed like an old friend you hadn’t seen in years. "I—" Taeil started, but half lost steam partway through.

"Mm?" Johnny said.

Taeil sighed. "I do feel okay here, it’s just hard adjusting, you know," he said. He then added quickly, "I’ll be okay, just give me some time."

"You sure?" said Johnny, but his delivery felt relaxed. Johnny never panicked or reacted without giving things some good mulling over first. It was great for times like these when Taeil just needed someone to listen without necessarily having to do anything about it. He was starting to remember why they gravitated toward each other in the first place all those years ago, when the rest of the students on their dorm floor acted like a bunch of rowdy, reckless children. Those children eventually became Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, and the rest of the gang, but at first, Taeil naturally stuck to Johnny’s side because he was quieter and felt stable and protective, even if at the time it was mostly because of his height. Johnny ended up just naturally falling into the role and tugging Taeil to him when he noticed Taeil feeling overwhelmed, and after a while, they started associating holding one another with familiarity and safety.

Taeil never once in all these past years felt unsafe around Johnny. It was more a fear of holding on too tight and not being able to let go. All the factors added up in Taeil’s head made increasingly little sense the more he thought about it, but emotions were not a logical process. Johnny would never leave him, but still Taeil feared. And Taeil didn’t want to leave Johnny, so why was the fear so disproportionately grand?

"I am sure," Taeil said anyway, fumbling with his fork. "But…"

"But?" Johnny said, and Taeil frowned down at his plate. The whipped cream was quickly melting, but the waffles looked almost too homey to eat, like they should be savored instead by someone who would enjoy them more.

"You could help," Taeil said. That came out way more harsh than intended. "Not that you’re not doing a lot already, and—"

"No, it’s good," Johnny said. His eyes seemed to be sad but twinkling a little, like when stars formed from dust and clouds. "I want you to tell me what I can do."

"You already do so much," Taeil repeated, and Johnny squeezed his hand again. 

"That doesn’t mean it’s all helpful," said Johnny, and Taeil looked up at him imploringly. Johnny sighed. "Please tell me what I could do better."

"Spend more time at home," Taeil said immediately, because if he didn’t get it out now it would stay inside forever. Courage was this fickle little animal that came and went in completely arbitrary spurts. He tried remedying the situation by adding, "with me?" but it just made it sound more desperate.

"I thought you wanted to be alone," Johnny admitted.

Taeil shook his head and sat on his hands after picking at his waffles for a little. "I don’t know where you get these wild conclusions from."

"You never say anything, so I just have to assume," Johnny replied, which wasn’t wrong. Taeil had problems with words.

"But you never ask," Taeil squeaked, and Johnny smiled a little.

"So asking would help," Johnny said. "Got it."

"Thank you," Taeil whispered, which was something he forgot more often than not to say. Most of the time, it was easier just skipping over the _thank you_ s and getting right to showering Johnny with physical affection— wordless cuddles, open arms, something to hold at night. It came naturally, like hugging one of the students when they started crying, even if he couldn’t understand what they were crying about. Doyoung always said he was good with kids, anyway. But adults needed words because the longer life got, the more complex it became. The same actions had multiple meanings, and no longer were things guileless and free. Adolescence was supposed to equip you with the repertoire to do that, but somehow it was like Taeil missed that part of his life or learned it all wrong. 

He expected everything of Johnny. But sometimes he forgot to thank Johnny for the things he enduringly delivered without so much as a complaint. 

"I love you," Taeil blurted out as soon as they paid up front and walked back outside into the hot June air. 

Johnny raised an eyebrow and looked down at him. Then with a petulant huff, he said, "I’ll always love you."

—

Johnny lasted through a lot more late 2000s American pop music than Taeil did; in fact, Taeil dared to say with relative confidence that Johnny actually _liked_ it. This bad a rendition of _Hot and Cold_ couldn’t have existed until Johnny willed it into existence, but Johnny got to choose the radio station since he was driving, and the familiar, repetitive melodies helped keep him alert. They ended up putting on an audiobook of the first Harry Potter after the playlist moved into the 2010s when, as Johnny so delicately put it, pop music went to shit. Taeil already knew the story, and the words were easy enough for him to understand.

Johnny ended up quoting like half the book, and Taeil was starting to wonder if this was just some grand ploy to relive his childhood. As hard as Taeil tried to focus, he inevitably ended up dozing off around the end of the Quidditch match, since he already knew how the rest of the book went.

When he woke up, it was the end of the semester and Dumbledore was doling out extra points to Gryffindor, the light was fading, the car smelled distinctly of leftover waffles, and all around them were still vast stretches of rolling plains. Sometimes Taeil forgot how big America really was.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Johnny said when Taeil shifted. The windows were cracked open a couple inches, and Johnny in effect cranked up the speakers until Taeil could barely hear himself think. There was something mind-numbingly comforting about it though, the way the bass thrummed deep into your core and the wind drowned out all other noises.

It was 8:15PM. Johnny rolled up the windows and ruffled Taeil’s hair. "Let’s stop soon," Taeil mumbled, and Johnny laughed.

"Slept all day and you’re already ready for more sleep?"

Taeil groaned and stretched out his legs. "Are you disappointed?"

"Never," Johnny said with his eyes trained on the road and a lazy smile on his face. He was doing that thing that all tall asshole-ish drivers did where they’d lean back and rest their arm on the wheel and nothing else, except Johnny looked incredibly hot with the cruise control on and his feet drumming to some imaginary beat. Taeil curled up in his seat and traced the line of Johnny’s jaw with his eyes down his long neck to where it met the collar of his t-shirt, and Taeil wanted so bad to tuck his fingers under the fabric and touch Johnny’s shoulders, his biceps, his chest and abdomen. Taeil flushed when Johnny glanced his way and grinned. "What?"

"Y-you look good, is all," Taeil said and turned away, and Johnny hummed low in his throat. Taeil knew he didn’t look— like _really_ look at Johnny enough. Johnny drove them to work every other day in a button down and a tie, and a lot of times at night they fucked in the dark because Taeil was insecure about his own body for no particular reason. It would be nice to see Johnny’s body next time, maybe, the hard lines and the valleys and shadows and the way his muscles flexed under his skin when he lifted Taeil up or moved on top of him. Taeil squirmed in his seat and threw the tote they packed full of snacks over his lap. 

They found an inn in a suburb off the highway where all the rooms were like little sheds separated from each other bordering a flat, nearly empty parking lot. There were two double beds, and Taeil waited patiently for Johnny to grab a hot dinner from the grocery store nearby. He hopped in the shower as soon as Johnny left and jerked himself off with Johnny’s name on his lips, coming embarrassingly quickly as soon as he teased the rim of his entrance with his own fingers. Taeil slid down the shower wall with gasps and heaves, missing the feeling of Johnny milking him through it and holding him steady as his body jerked with the intensity of orgasm in Johnny’s arms. Instead, Taeil just watched the shampoo run down the drain blearily and felt his stomach rumble.

Taeil had no idea he had the sound of Johnny sleeping committed to memory until late that night as he lied awake obviously due to sleeping all day in the car. Johnny wasn’t sleeping either, even though he was turned away from Taeil, emulating deep, full breaths that lacked the steady rumble of Johnny’s snoring that used to lull Taeil to sleep on some nights when they shared a dorm room. 

"Why did we break, anyway?" Taeil murmured, and Johnny snorted. 

"Ask yourself that," Johnny said, as if it were something he’d been holding back for ages. 

"I know, I’m thinking out loud," Taeil countered. 

Johnny sighed and rolled over so that he was facing Taeil’s bed and nestled his hand under his head. When Taeil caught Johnny's eye in the moonlight, he had to look away. "Go to sleep," Johnny said tiredly.

"I can’t," Taeil replied. "I think when I can’t sleep."

Johnny stared at him for a moment with an unreadable expression, like he was concerned but didn’t want to show it to protect himself. Then he sighed and said, "How long?"

Taeil hummed. "The sleep thing? Not that long ago." Then he laughed before he could stop himself. Great, at least he was starting to notice when he did it. Johnny gave him a look, and Taeil sighed. "Since the start of this school year, okay? When I noticed you were gone."

Johnny made a pained noise, and Taeil sniffed, trying to hold it together. "Baby, why didn’t you tell me?" Johnny whispered.

"Didn’t want to worry you," Taeil mumbled into his pillow. He was lying on his stomach, covering the sides of his face with his arms. "You seemed… happy."

"I didn’t want to bother you when I got home," Johnny confessed. "I wasn’t happy, not without you."

"Then why did you go?" Taeil said.

He peeked out from just above the crook of his elbow, and Johnny shifted onto his back and stared at the ceiling, hands resting on his stomach. "It— it wasn’t all socializing. My aunt needed some help with the old bar she owned, so I worked there some days. It reeked of alcohol. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea."

"So you made it sound worse than it was," Taeil deadpanned. "Logic."

Johnny sighed and massaged his temples, and Taeil smiled a little. It was kind of cute. "I’m sorry," Johnny said weakly.

"Me too," Taeil replied. The automatic air conditioning switched off right then, and the room was surprisingly quiet. Not that Chicago suburbs were all that loud at night, but someone kept an outdoor beagle a few houses away who howled every night at around 11PM on the dot. Even the crickets didn’t permeate the walls of this inn.

"Do you want to come here?" Johnny said gingerly, patting the space next to him on the bed, and Taeil made a surprised noise.

"Can I?" Taeil breathed.

Johnny leaned up on his elbow so that he was propping his head in his hand. "You know you're always welcome, kitten," he said gently, and Taeil curled up and crawled out from his bed in a daze. He wasn’t even aware of how he got from point A to point B, but suddenly he was being wrapped up in Johnny’s arms. Taeil wasn’t going to cry at how safe and warm it felt. Okay, maybe just one tear. Or two. Taeil pressed his face into Johnny’s shirt which ended up absorbing everything. 

"Let’s try it again," Taeil said, trailing off into a yawn. "Dating."

Johnny laughed quietly and stroked Taeil’s hair a few times before rubbing his lower back assuringly. "Of course, sweetie," he said, and Taeil smiled before finally drifting off. 

—

Taeil got his driver’s license at age 20. Taeyong taught him over one summer break before he and Johnny started dating, because Taeyong was a better teacher and Johnny’s license still wasn’t valid in Korea, though whenever he got stopped he used the excuse that he just moved there and dug out his best American accent while the rest of them piled in the backseat tried not to laugh. Taeil was a cautious learner, and Taeyong was patient, and it was the formula for a smooth journey into what some considered adulthood, one step closer to full independence. Taeil practiced ruthlessly and he passed the test without much hassle, and he considered himself a good, defensive, if not tense driver.

Korea was small, densely populated, and overwhelmingly urban, and what wasn’t packed in cities along the coast was at least sequestered into sprawling suburban niches that grew every year. America, on the other hand, had to hit you with those endless stretches of monotony, from the vast landscapes to the infinite expanses of highways routed straight as an arrow. Part of it was magical, dreamlike, even, and part of it was tiring, as if you were running at maximum energy output but barely moving at all. Of course, dreamlike vistas and feeling the weight of sleep always walked hand in hand.

Sleeplessness tended to sneak up on you. It was cumulative and came to find you at the most inconvenient times, hitting you like that deadline you were trying to avoid or that headache you were ignoring until you ran out of Ibuprofen. You could function on adrenaline until it all ran out, but there was no nice little warning light like the gas meter on your car. You were just there and then you weren’t, carted off to some shifted world that looked like a bleary, ink-blotted version of your own.

Johnny looked so peaceful, stretched out and sleeping in the passenger seat. Taeil could only steal glances here and there, humming contently to himself at how Johnny’s thin t-shirt hugged his biceps and fell almost loose across his abdomen, framing his chest muscles which rose and sank with his breathing. 

Taeil tried opening the window, but that just made his eyes dry and drowned out the music, which was mostly 90s Korean power ballads and some anime openings Yuta injected into his library three years ago and Taeil never bothered to take them off. 

The road was starting to do that thing where if it was straight enough and the sun was shining, the landscape appeared to reflect off the ground as if there were a giant puddle of water straight ahead. Even with sunglasses on, Taeil had to squint and grip the wheel with both hands, fidgeting as he tried to blink away the fog over his eyes. 

Johnny hadn’t explicitly said not to wake him. He wouldn’t get angry, either— Johnny rarely ever got angry, though Taeil did take measures to keep it that way. As soon as Taeil noticed himself drifting into the middle lane or onto the shoulder, he quickly swerved back and glanced over at Johnny, who had the seat adjusted all the way back, long legs stretched out in front of him.

It felt like Taeil’s body was betraying him. He was so tired. It felt like his consciousness was slipping away, and no matter how fast he ran, it would always be a step ahead. His heart was racing, but his eyes still drifted shut no matter how anxious he felt and regardless of the rest of his senses screaming at him in self-preservation.

Suddenly, a horn blared by and Johnny shouted, " _Taeil_!"

Johnny's hand grabbed onto his and jerked the wheel off to the side, and Taeil, in panic, slammed the brakes to the floor. Both of them lurched forward in their seats, shoved back by the seatbelt lock. And Taeil was suddenly fully alert, his heart beating so hard it seemed to be climbing into the back of his throat, pulsing out uneven rushes of blood.

Johnny was caged over him in an instant, panting and staring down at him with an unreadable expression. "Taeil," he said sternly, then almost as fast as it all happened, Johnny jumped away and shifted the car into park and pushed on the caution lights.

They were sitting in the shoulder of the highway, a few feet away from the guard rail. Taeil looked at it warily out of the passenger side window and then looked back down, opening and then closing his mouth. The gusts of his own breath were whisking his voice away. Johnny collapsed back in his seat and brushed his hair back with his hand, breath rushing out through his mouth. Taeil played with the hem of his shirt.

Countless cars rushed by. A nice man in an SUV even slowed down and asked if they were okay. Taeil nodded and gave him a wide, fake smile and a thumbs up. The friendliness of Americans never ceased to amaze him.

Johnny was the first one to move. He snapped off his seatbelt and got out of the car, striding out in front of it and crossing over to the driver’s side. Taeil opened the door gingerly and got out too, started to head toward the back to avoid Johnny’s gaze.

"Stop," Johnny shouted. "The front. You could get hurt."

When Taeil got in and wordlessly curled back against the passenger door, the seat felt impossibly large and empty. Tension radiated through the car and out the air vent, which blew in periodic huffs of disapproval. It felt like someone were pushing Taeil’s shoulders down to the ground, and if he didn’t lock all his muscles in place, he’d crash right through the bottom of the car and into the core of the Earth.

Johnny drove carefully and Taeil couldn’t take his eyes off the road. It was later than he realized; they got off the nearest exit, and Johnny drove them to another hotel in the middle of some woodsy, tourist-y looking town. 

Taeil didn’t know why things happened the way they did. Sometimes when you were too lazy to move things around you just let them continue as they were, even if it killed you. Sometimes you were just afraid. 

The only vacant rooms in the place had just one king bed. "That’s fine," Johnny said somewhat impatiently. Taeil stood up a little taller and folded his arms over himself, poking through all of Johnny’s little defenses which were habits he’d stuck with since university. They sat latent for a while and unused, but Taeil had vague memories of Johnny going quiet and flexing his hand muscles, pacing around, speaking quiet but sharp when he was angry. All those habits were rearing their heads in spastic little outbursts right now as Johnny gripped onto Taeil’s hand and Taeil, though he wanted so badly to sink into the floor or blow away like ashes in the wind, hung on.

Taeil took a shower again as soon as they got to their room, this time under cold water even though he was starkly awake. It stung, like a punishment. Like he was now allowed to imagine that the water was washing away his mistakes. He dragged himself out of the bathroom with a towel over his head, and Johnny was lying across the bed, rifling through a bible from inside the nightstand drawer. "C’mon, let’s get some food. There’s some sandwiches for sale in the lobby," Johnny said. His voice was slower than before, calmed down somewhat. 

Taeil suddenly thought of Doyoung, asking how he felt right now. Not scared— never scared. He knew Johnny well enough to be absolutely certain Johnny would never do anything to hurt him. 

No, it was more like a drop in his stomach that it could’ve been the other way around. He could’ve ended their lives in an instant because he was too apathetic to ask for help. And under all that apathy was a covert fear, lying dormant for all these years because Taeil kept shoving things on top of it and the more you put on that pile, the harder it was to dig the stuff at the bottom out.

"Are you mad?" Taeil said softly when they finally sat down, folding his arms across his chest like a shield. It felt more like wanting to keep the bad in rather than out, not wanting it to seep out and infect Johnny. It was times like these when he was anxious and self-deprecating as hell that he couldn’t cry even if he wanted to and instead just felt empty inside.

Johnny sighed and brushed his hair back with his hands into a ponytail and then let it fall over his face again. After a while, he finally mumbled, "What do you want me to say?"

Taeil squirmed, a little uncomfortable. It was a weird request; Johnny asked like that a lot, _what do you want_ , but not at times like these. "I don't really know," Taeil replied; Johnny was still staring at him expectantly, the first time he’d looked directly at Taeil since this afternoon. There was something sad in his eyes, like he wanted to cry but was too dehydrated to let go of even tears.

"No, you do," Johnny said, more confident this time but not overbearing. His posture still radiated tension, but never aggressively so. "If you could make me say anything right now, what would it be?"

Taeil folded his hands in his lap and dangled his feet so that they only brushed the ground periodically. Johnny wasn't touching his food and seemed to be expecting some kind of substantial answer when 1. putting Taeil on the spot already prevented that, and 2. Taeil always had trouble vocalizing the possibility of rejection. "I don't know," Taeil rasped, exasperated and rubbing his forehead. He furrowed his eyebrows and picked at his lower lip in thought. "Something like, 'No I'm not mad, and I understand why you did that. Let's just forget this ever happened'?"

"Hn," Johnny replied, unsurprised. He played with his napkin a little as if he were faking a deep train of thought. And after waiting some time, Johnny sighed and leaned back, stretching his legs out. "Not gonna happen," he said firmly. "In fact, yeah, I’m mad. And I _don’t_ understand why you did that. And I can’t forget about it. Not now, at least."

Taeil shrunk back and picked at his food. He’d devoured the sandwich in a short few minutes, and all that was left was the stale, chewy crust he always peeled off ever since childhood. "Then why did you even ask," Taeil said quietly, but Johnny was quieter.

"Because," Johnny said. He brought his hands above the table and wrapped them around Taeil's free one. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Taeil made a reluctant sort of sound. "What do you mean?" he said quietly, half knowing in his heart very well what Johnny meant. The touch of Johnny’s hands, though, was enough to want to draw out the moment for as long as possible. Their absence became that much more apparent when you had to worry about the possibility of losing them forever. 

"You can tell me what you want, and sometimes you won't get it," Johnny said quietly. He sounded more relaxed and almost fond. "But it's not so bad, right? We're still here— _together_ — and I know you a little better than I did before."

Taeil shot Johnny a grateful, frustrated little smile because something still stung in his heart about Johnny not quite getting it but making a damn good effort. "I— I didn’t want to hurt you, you know," Taeil said lowly, his voice cracking. "I _need_ you to know."

"I do know," Johnny replied. He looked down and played with Taeil’s fingers for a moment before continuing, "I don’t worry about me, I worry about us. What I’d do if an accident cut short our time together. I want to be on this earth as long as possible with you."

"I’m sorry," Taeil whispered from the back of his throat. It sounded like a wheeze. 

"I know," Johnny said. He kissed the tips of Taeil’s fingers, and Taeil sucked in a breath. "It’s okay."

"I love you," Taeil added, which made Johnny light up like a lamp.

"I know," he repeated. "I love you too, so much."

Taeil glued himself to Johnny’s side as they walked back upstairs to their room. The stairwell seemed to go dark during the short time they spent inside it, but as the lights in the surrounding town flickered off one by one, it was like the town making way for the stars to shine. As soon as Johnny closed the door to their room behind them, Taeil backed him up against it and brought his face down for a sweet, long kiss, prodding Johnny’s mouth open with his tongue. Johnny seemed surprised at first and then accepted Taeil with gentle hands tracing down his sides and resting on his hips. Johnny sucked on Taeil’s tongue leisurely at first, then twined their tongues together, making Taeil jolt right up against Johnny with a pleased moan. Johnny’s grip on Taeil’s hips tightened, and Taeil rocked forward almost subconsciously. 

Johnny groaned and pulled away, laughing breathily against Taeil’s nose. "You need to rest tonight," he said, and Taeil flushed, looking down.

"I—it relaxes me," Taeil admitted, and Johnny made a curious hum.

"Oh?" Johnny said, his voice going low, and Taeil shivered.

"I jerked off in the shower yesterday," he said quickly, but of course Johnny caught it all. "I slept a little better last night."

Johnny growled and pushed off the door, caging Taeil in against the adjacent wall instead. "While I was gone?" Johnny said quietly. "That fast, huh?"

"It’s been a while," Taeil replied against Johnny’s lips. Johnny kissed him again and again, rubbing soothing circles into his hips as Taeil slung his arms around Johnny’s shoulders.

"What did you think about?" said Johnny, pulling his own pelvis away from Taeil, who tried to buck forward and chase him, but Johnny held Taeil against the wall. 

" _You_ ," Taeil whined, moaning breathlessly when Johnny rewarded him by palming his dick over his pants. "Oh god, I thought about you— fingering me," Taeil whined. He gasped when Johnny squeezed him through his pants and could already feel precome seeping into his briefs. 

Johnny pulled away then and his hands found Taeil’s waist underneath his shirt instead. Johnny’s hands were ice cold on Taeil’s body, which felt like it was burning up in the most beautiful way. Taeil shrugged off his shirt and arched against Johnny, pulling his off for him, too. And when Johnny’s warm skin finally pressed against his, it felt like he never wanted to let go. Johnny was so broad— there was so much of him— and what had Taeil even been giving it up for before, his own pride? He shivered when Johnny’s large hands smoothed down his back and flattened against his ass and thighs, and Johnny hoisted him up, taking the breath right out of Taeil as he was suddenly being deposited against the bed and shimmied up toward the huge stack of pillows. 

"Johnny, I want you, I want you," Taeil panted, and Johnny moaned into his mouth, catching his lips in a hard, bruising kiss and fucking Taeil’s mouth with his tongue, tracing every ridge as Taeil opened up for him and gripped onto his shoulders. 

"Let me get the lube, it’s in the car," Johnny said, his voice a little broken and desperate, and Taeil nodded, not faring much better. "Don’t touch yourself," Johnny added. Taeil couldn’t help but let out a little whimper at the way Johnny said it, firm and just a little bit raw, like he wanted something out of it, too. "I want to make you come with just my fingers."

Taeil muffled a groan into the nearest pillow and pulled it over his face. He needed to calm down or else he’d come almost instantly. Not that Johnny had any problem making him do that before, either; he knew exactly how to make Taeil weak; he knew all the buttons to push to have him begging for it. Though Taeil had some leverage on Johnny too and could, when he was feeling it, apparently give a mean lap dance and make Johnny come in his pants right there. 

Taeil scrambled out of his jeans and underwear, throwing it all haphazardly across the floor and burrowing under the blankets, which were tucked under the sides of the mattress. Reaching a bare arm out, he dimmed the light on the nightstand but didn’t turn it all the way off, and it made the room surprisingly moody.

And then Johnny jogged back inside with his shirt _still_ off, and Taeil’s last drops of sanity flew out the air conditioning vent.

Taeil didn’t even notice he was beckoning for Johnny to come over until Johnny shoved the blankets aside and loomed fully over him and kissed him full on the lips, breathing in all of Taeil. Johnny smelled musky and bittersweet, like cologne and the woods, and it was painfully attractive, coupled with the way he maneuvered Taeil and flipped him over like it was nothing. He kissed a line up Taeil’s upper back and sucked a mark into the nape of his neck where Taeil was sensitive, making him squirm and whine. "Mine," Johnny mumbled against Taeil’s skin when he pulled away and kissed it soft and soothing.

Johnny’s hand stiffened when he traced under the sheets down Taeil’s spine and realized Taeil had undressed in his absence. "Eager," Johnny said lowly, and Taeil wanted to retort something back but he was past the point of forming coherent words. Instead, he just bucked up against Johnny’s hands, whimpering and nodding. 

Johnny uncapped the lube and Taeil, embarrassingly desperate, moaned into the pillow in anticipation. A cool rush of air blew across his ass when Johnny tugged the blankets away, and he groped and kneaded at Taeil’s ass and upper thighs until they were warm from stimulation and Taeil was rocking back and forth in Johnny’s hands. Everywhere Johnny was touching felt like fire, while Taeil’s entrance and cock both throbbed for attention, sending shivers up his spine and jolts coursing through every nerve.

Taeil needed Johnny’s fingers in him _now_ and even arched his back, propping his ass up in the air for it. There was something so arousing about feeling vulnerable like this yet safe and wanted, anchored by the warmth radiating from Johnny’s hands. Johnny would take care of him. Johnny _wanted_ to take care of him. Johnny wanted to take him apart and worship every piece of him and love him fully. 

As if sensing the way Taeil’s heart swelled, Johnny kissed the skin stretched across Taeil’s tailbone and swiped his tongue over Taeil’s entrance once, making Taeil jerk backward. " _Ngh_ ," he squeaked, collapsing when cool lube dripped down his ass and clung to the backs of his thighs. He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Johnny tracing the rim of his entrance with his finger and pushing in, continuous and unrelenting. Taeil panted harder the deeper Johnny’s finger pushed inside of him; he forgot how long they were and how easily Johnny could twist and bend them inside of him, stretching his walls out. 

Taeil choked out a gasp when Johnny brushed past his prostate, and Johnny sucked his breath in and pressed kisses into Taeil’s back again, thrusting his finger shallowly just to avoid bringing Taeil over the edge. "More," Taeil complained breathily. Johnny pulled his finger almost all the way out and then pushed it back in just as slow, dragging the pad of his finger along Taeil’s walls.

"Not yet," Johnny said, and Taeil moaned, half in frustration, half in satisfaction. He wanted to last, too, but couldn’t help spilling out demands when Johnny teased him only to pull away again. Johnny wanted to deny him now only to make him fall apart later, when it would feel even better.

Taeil turned his face away from the pillow and glanced up at Johnny, who was looking down at him with half-lidded eyes, his mouth parted as he made long, deep thrusts all the way to his knuckles and palmed Taeil’s ass each time as Taeil gasped. 

"You’re doing so well, babe," Johnny whispered, and Taeil whined. Johnny pulled his asscheeks apart before pressing in the tip of his middle finger and scissoring shallowly, bending and curling to stretch Taeil apart. 

It felt empty yet full at the same time, stretched but not deep enough, his ass almost pulsing around Johnny’s fingers for more. " _Please_ ," Taeil gasped, thrusting back onto Johnny’s fingers.

Johnny made a satisfied noise at how Taeil’s desperation was _visible_. "I know, baby," he rasped, starting to push in again. 

Taeil took deep breaths, whimpering as Johnny’s fingers neared his prostate again. Johnny was thrusting and pressing Taeil gently down into the bed with his other hand, and Taeil spread his knees and gasped when his cock brushed against the bedsheets. " _Ahhh_ ," Taeil moaned, his shoulders scrunching back toward each other as he arched his back when Johnny pressed slowly against his prostate, _hard_ , then pulled away again. "More, more," Taeil said between pants, and Johnny leaned over him and kissed the corner of his mouth, sucking on his lower lip. Johnny knew how to drive him crazy, and it was like he was unleashing it all at once, fucking him slow with his fingers and then drawing away, over and over, bringing him so close to the edge that Taeil was half fucking himself on Johnny’s hands in desperation. His legs shook with his body, neglected cock bouncing with his frantic movements.

"You look so sexy like this, Taeil," Johnny said, his dick making a tent in his jeans, and Taeil, with his cheek pressed into the pillows, grinned weakly at him. "What do you want?"

" _Fuck_ , more, harder, anything," Taeil babbled, Johnny scissoring him open while he tried to speak. 

"Be specific," Johnny said, his voice low and not bothering to hide that Taeil was affecting him. 

Taeil whimpered pathetically. "Let me come," he said, and Johnny groaned and pushed his fingers in deep, right up against Taeil’s prostate. Taeil barely had time to muffle his scream into the pillow. " _Make_ me come," he whined when Johnny stilled his fingers, just leaving him there, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. 

Johnny pulled out and flipped Taeil onto his back, and Taeil’s legs immediately fell apart for him. And Johnny was quick to press into him again, sliding in another finger to intensify the stretch, just how Taeil liked it. The pain made the pleasure more intense, like they alternated; whenever Johnny pressed against Taeil’s prostate, Taeil would buck up and squeeze around him, gasping. 

Taeil thrashed his head from side to side in Johnny’s arms, grasping his hands at the sheets, the pillow, _anything_. "Look at me," Johnny said, kneeling between Taeil’s legs with his crotch pressed against Taeil’s ass and the back of his thigh. Johnny rocked forward, rutting against Taeil’s skin and pushing Taeil’s legs farther apart with his free hand. "I want to see your face when you come."

Taeil whimpered and dug his nails into the sheets, and he came just like that, with Johnny’s fingers deep inside him rubbing against his prostate relentlessly, even as Taeil’s body convulsed through his orgasm with a choked off scream. Johnny moved quickly, swallowing the sound with his mouth, kissing Taeil and milking him through it. 

"Johnny, _Johnny_ ," Taeil gasped breaking away for a moment and latching back onto Johnny’s mouth blindly, moaning into it and seeing flashes of white. His hands came up to Johnny’s hair and then his shoulders, squeezing until his fingernails left small indents in his skin as he came and came, pleasure coursing through him over and over. And Johnny didn’t let him stop until his breathing slowed slightly and there were tears streaming down the sides of his face from overstimulation. 

Taeil’s legs were still shaking, weak like jelly when Johnny pulled his fingers out of him and wiped them off with a tissue on the nightstand, stroking Taeil’s thigh soothingly. "You’re so beautiful," Johnny murmured, shoving his hand into his own pants, and Taeil, barely coherent, touched Johnny’s wrist.

"Come closer," he whispered, and Johnny shimmied up so that they were face to face. Taeil kissed him slowly, his own hand joining Johnny’s on his dick. He smiled when Johnny groaned into his mouth and quickened the pace. 

Taeil’s motions were sloppy and rhythmless, but Johnny still came surprisingly quick, moaning out Taeil’s name hoarsely while Taeil left gentle, sweet kisses all over Johnny’s face. 

They lied there for a moment, Taeil’s hand resting on Johnny’s hip tiredly. And then Taeil brought his arm up to his face and collapsed boneless again, forgetting that there was semen all over his hand. "Ah," Taeil mumbled, licking at it a little and Johnny laughed.

"That’s not sexy, sleepyhead," Johnny said, pushing Taeil’s hand away and kissing him. "Let me clean you up."

"Are you sure?" Taeil said, curling his neck so that his head was up, but Johnny nodded and pushed him down gently. Taeil closed his eyes and felt the bed dip when Johnny got up and slinked over to the bathroom. A moment later Taeil was being rubbed down with a warm wet towel, and he realized he was quickly losing consciousness. He sighed contentedly when Johnny turned him over onto his stomach and washed his back.

"Go to sleep," Johnny said, and Taeil twitched in response, letting Johnny’s quiet laughter lull him to sleep. 

—

Taeil woke up with his face buried in Johnny’s bare chest. Johnny was awake but barely moving, occasionally flipping pages of the Kindle he was reading while his arms rested on Taeil’s shoulders. Taeil shifted and Johnny hummed, running his fingers through Taeil’s hair. "That’s the first time you’ve moved since last night," Johnny said, and Taeil sniffed, his cheeks unwittingly going warm. "I was afraid you were dead."

"From what, good sex?" Taeil murmured, shifting his head up to kiss Johnny’s chin, and Johnny chuckled. Taeil felt only a little sore, though it wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to. When Johnny took his time prepping him, the pain the next day was a lot more tolerable, which meant they could get right back to it sooner. Taeil was embarrassed to admit it excited him.

"It’s noon," Johnny said, hooking his chin over Taeil’s head. A warm glow seeped through the room, indicating the sun was already high in the sky and Johnny had probably gotten up to draw the sheer curtains. Taeil groaned and Johnny rubbed his back. "What? It’s good to sleep in." 

"Shouldn’t we check out?" Taeil said.

Johnny shrugged. "We can stay another night, if you need it."

"It’s Utah, Johnny," said Taeil, and Johnny laughed.

"Don’t worry kitten, I’ll fuck you nice and hard when we get to LA," Johnny whispered, and Taeil shoved him away immediately, but not before Johnny caught his dick twitching in interest. 

After discussing it a little, they came to agree that Taeil would drive that day, otherwise he’d get too frozen up to ever start driving again. Johnny held his hand the whole time and leaned on his shoulder and started serenading him to bad pop again, but the choruses were definitely starting to get stuck in Taeil’s head. 

"Every 10 years, the pendulum swings," Johnny said wistfully. "Music will be good again in 2020."

Taeil snorted and rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Mozart."

They booked an Airbnb in Los Angeles a few days before the flight, spending their time wandering around a single part of the city over and over again just like fascinated midwestern tourists. They complained about the heat after a few blocks and then huddled together at night under the blankets. They had a lot of sex; Johnny totally fucked him like he promised, which gave Taeil a few nights of peaceful, dreamless sleep. And they spent time waiting in the airport looking through Taeyong’s gift registry which was full of various high-tech cleaning supplies. 

"Let’s get him the garment steamer," Taeil said. "His professional look could use work."

"Too practical," replied Johnny, and Taeil smacked his shoulder. 

"That’s the point of a wedding gift, idiot," said Taeil.

"It’s expensive."

"We’re flying to Korea for his wedding Johnny," Taeil pointed out. "I think we could throw down a few hundred dollars for a nice gift."

"We’re teachers, not lawyers," said Johnny, and Taeil laughed. "Besides, this trip totally came out of our own wedding fund."

"We have a wedding fund?" Taeil said incredulously, and Johnny sniffed in fake hurt.

"I’ve been putting all my extra paychecks in it, Taeil," he whined, and Taeil squeezed Johnny’s hand, looking down out of embarrassment and a sudden rush of overwhelming emotion, like when two waves met in the ocean and rippled out in big, cascading pulses. 

"Don’t worry, we’ll make it low key. Just a few friends and some nice wine and food," Taeil said. He diverted the conversation by quickly pointing to Johnny’s phone and adding, "How about the in-home trash compactor?"

Johnny was quiet, and when Taeil looked up, he was smiling that big puppy smile where his chin jutted out and his eyes got all crinkly. "You’re the best, pumpkin," he said, kissing Taeil on the head, and Taeil sighed and leaned into Johnny’s chest.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhh I feel like I just regurgitated this from my system in like two days. Johnil have interacted so much lately I'm in heaven (or hell). Thank you as always for reading and leaving comments!


End file.
